Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Cassandra & I

Ever since the day I know Cassandra, I can relate much of my own story with hers. We both have a dream. A dream to shine, to touch lives, to stir something deep down in hearts of many that has been lost, ignored and covered. To me, she is one amazing lady, one that dares to dream and express her dream despite doubts and objections.

Perhaps that’s because she’s young. Yet, isn’t that what many of us has lost along the way? Celebrating my 21st birthday this year, there are many things I wished I’ve done and can undo in my childhood and as a teenager. We’re hurt, disappointed by the past that easily entangles, and we’re afraid to move on.

I still remembered in one of the early practices when I broke down. It was one expressive scene. Coming from a controlling family that don’t allow much creative expression, it wasn’t easy for me at all, especially when the accusing voices haunted me and the image of rolling eyes and lips of disapprove flashed in my mind. My director told me this: Cassandra is not afraid! She’s firm about her own dream, and she’s going all out for it. I couldn’t help but ask myself, how often do I hold on and persevere for what I want? How much am I willing to sacrifice to achieve it?

Yet, she has doubts and fear too. She is not the kind of little bratty girl that only care about herself and her dream. She love and care about her family, and that’s why she struggle when her dream is not accepted by her loved ones. Perhaps that’s why many of us struggle too. It was also because of the misunderstanding in the family, that Cassandra start seeking elsewhere, and eventually fell into the trap that Edmond set for her, bringing herself to the dead end. Yet, even as she’s struggling with death, she chose to forgive. She’s one of the kindest girl I’ve ever know, yet because of circumstances, people, past, she shield herself. She pretends to be indifferent. And I’ve seen so many ‘Cassandra’ in real life.

It was funny that as the storyline progress and Cassandra doubting herself, I’m experiencing it in another way. It was during one of those busy, stressful times, when musical is drawing near and yet tests and assignments came unmercifully, that I start questioning myself, is it what I truly want? Or is it just a foolish fantasy? Many times there are voices that questioned and accused that I’m not doing it solely for God. Indeed, I have to admit that I’m often tempted to store up personal agenda, hoping for some ‘bonus’ even as I serve Him with the talents and passions He has given to me. Yet, Ai Wei shouldn’t be celebrated, not even Cassandra, but Jesus, through the stories of our life.

Somehow, for some sentimental reason, I wish Cassandra can live forever, but she never will. I wish the story will never end, but it eventually will. Yet, as the finale rounds up the play, when the curtain close and when the applause subsides, how different in person have I become? Where do I go from here?


SimianD said...

"I wish the story will never end, but it eventually will. Yet, as the finale rounds up the play, when the curtain close and when the applause subsides, how different in person have I become? Where do I go from here?"

I don't know why, but sometimes I think I refuse to believe in ends. Yes, technically the story has ended. But I really don't think it has.

It's like movies. At the end of Pirates of the Caribbean something in me wants Jack Sparrow to live on and have new adventures.

Curtains have closed, but the world is a stage. In fact, maybe it can be said the world is THE stage.

Maybe that is why reading your post rent my heart as it did; this whole possibility that the end might not quite really be the end was just so full of hope that I couldn't contain it.

Just maybe.

Jon Chu said...

Good writeup, Ai Wei.

It is great to know that you actually put thought into thinking this play through. Sometimes, in life, we do experience somewhat similar experiences. But these are the things that push us toward somebody God wants us to be, somebody great.

Is Cassandra dead? Even when the curtains are closed, is Cassandra truly dead and done for? Or does she lives - in our hearts and minds? Who Cassandra is to you will determine if she is dead or alive.

To me, Cassandra lives.

Perhaps that was the reason why you were Cassandra. You could identify with Cassandra, you somewhat understood what Cassandra was going through, and managed to bring Cassandra to live.

Others might show disapproval of your desires and passions. They may even be the closest ones. But know this for sure that God puts such desires and passions in your heart for one reason - to serve Him and Him alone.

Ai Wei, you are growing. Continue to grow in the love of God and learn from Cassandra. She may be one of the kindest girl you've ever met, but you are, to God, more than that.

p/s: I miss Entangled and Cassandra and Anita and Bernardo and Edmond and Desiree and Narrator and Ensemble and Grand Piano and Music and... Shaks the list can do on. :(

Suit Lin said...

"When the curtain close and when the applause subsides, how different in person have I become? Where do I go from here?"

I see dreams and a greater growth.
I see affirmation in your abilities and the person that you are.
Most of all I see you starting to accept you, Ai Wei, as your ownself, although it is tiring and an uphill walk, you know you will get there because of Him who holds you.

and let me put it here, just for you what I told you on Monday night.

Some people can be alive yet dead in our hearts, some can be dead yet alive forever by our thoughts or memory of them.

In whose heart are we alive in at this very moment?