It’s not easy to find out something that you should’ve known sometimes earlier. Suddenly, everything seems to be different already. Here you are, incapable of turn back time, trying to make sense of what had happened. You start to understand the cold war you’ve been thrown towards, and the great efforts of concerned friends to *hint hint* and console.
Somehow, though it might be too strong a sentence, I feel as if I’ve sacrificed my dignity. All the not-supposed-to-be-seen part captured, public criticism of your performance exchanged by friends who had come a long way with you with outsiders, and the “breaking news” from backstage that you don’t think was fairly told.
A friend of mine said it right, when you put yourself to stage, you’re not letting yourself to be praised of, but making a fool of yourself to be criticized and crushed. Knowing full well that all these are bound to happen, I went ahead for it. Yet, when the real waves hits, it is still painful.
And how many times had I treat likewise to the other performers? How many inconsiderate words I’ve spoken regarding others’ works and even attitude? Have I ever put on their shoes and feel what they felt? Have I ever look close enough to see their tireless attempts or the harsh moments they were going through?
Regrets. When the same thing happened to yourself =)
Recently a friend that I’ve worked closely with in ‘Entangled’ the musical wrote me these:
“Can anyone say Ai Wei isn’t good enough? No; and if someone were to say, that would be Jesus our Lord. But will Jesus ever say that? No, because He died for her sins, shed His blood on the cross for her iniquities”
I would say that I’m indeed not good enough, and I’m truly sorry for whatever I’ve done, consciously or unconsciously, that might cause pain to others. But please, don’t hurt me as how you would not want to be hurt. Bear me some time and some grace. Like it or not, Jesus died for such a wretch like me.
Aren’t we all entangled? With ourselves, with people around us; with our success, with our failure; with what we have, with what we lost.
The musical was doen in vain! If you and I who put in so much effort to tell the story can't find the way out. Don’t we all know, who will untangle us?