It’s not easy to find out something that you should’ve known sometimes earlier. Suddenly, everything seems to be different already. Here you are, incapable of turn back time, trying to make sense of what had happened. You start to understand the cold war you’ve been thrown towards, and the great efforts of concerned friends to *hint hint* and console.
Somehow, though it might be too strong a sentence, I feel as if I’ve sacrificed my dignity. All the not-supposed-to-be-seen part captured, public criticism of your performance exchanged by friends who had come a long way with you with outsiders, and the “breaking news” from backstage that you don’t think was fairly told.
A friend of mine said it right, when you put yourself to stage, you’re not letting yourself to be praised of, but making a fool of yourself to be criticized and crushed. Knowing full well that all these are bound to happen, I went ahead for it. Yet, when the real waves hits, it is still painful.
And how many times had I treat likewise to the other performers? How many inconsiderate words I’ve spoken regarding others’ works and even attitude? Have I ever put on their shoes and feel what they felt? Have I ever look close enough to see their tireless attempts or the harsh moments they were going through?
Regrets. When the same thing happened to yourself =)
Recently a friend that I’ve worked closely with in ‘Entangled’ the musical wrote me these:
“Can anyone say Ai Wei isn’t good enough? No; and if someone were to say, that would be Jesus our Lord. But will Jesus ever say that? No, because He died for her sins, shed His blood on the cross for her iniquities”
I would say that I’m indeed not good enough, and I’m truly sorry for whatever I’ve done, consciously or unconsciously, that might cause pain to others. But please, don’t hurt me as how you would not want to be hurt. Bear me some time and some grace. Like it or not, Jesus died for such a wretch like me.
Aren’t we all entangled? With ourselves, with people around us; with our success, with our failure; with what we have, with what we lost.
The musical was doen in vain! If you and I who put in so much effort to tell the story can't find the way out. Don’t we all know, who will untangle us?
5 comments:
C.S. Lewis wrote this essay entitled 'Behind the Scenes' which ends thus:
"Even the off-stage existence of the actors is hypothetical. Perhaps they do not exist before they enter the scene. And, if they do, then, since we cannot go behind, they may, in their off-stage life and character, be very unlike what we suppose and very unlike one another."
I don't think putting yourself onstage is an act of making a fool of yourself. On the contrary, staging yourself is about coming to terms with things everyone faces but dare not confront offstage.
Indeed I believe you--and all of us--will be the wiser for this experience. The pain is but the pain of labour, of a new creation.
I suppose part of the irony is that Anita, Bernardo and Cassandra are not quite as dysfunctional as the real 'siblings in Christ'; that although the story of Entangled is about this problem-laden family, the real problems that surfaced (and which we still have to deal with) are those that concern the real brothers and sisters with whom we share this planet.
"We're one, but we're not the same. We get to carry each other." (U2, 'One')
Thanks, Ai Wei.
In the web of wronging others and being wronged, forgive.
Forgive others who do not know us well enough to love and accept us.
Forgive ourselves who do not know ourselves well enough to keep from hurting others.
Above all, learn to let that pain and sadness refine your character. Pain or humiliation, injustice or fear, right or wrong, it need not matter when God's grace is in work in your life. He deems your dream precious enough to let you see the magic in them, he deems your thoughts precious enough to enable you to remember them and write them down.
Most of all, He deems your life worthy enough to keep working in you. To God, you are His beloved masterpiece, not a fool. =)
Hey girl, Thx very much for organizing the YOM for us ;p And also the montage... reminded me of the one I did for Cassendra..hehe.. at least it was not in pieces =)
The pictures really reminded me on how fruitful my days has been throughout Uni life! Merci beaucoup!
dear ai wei...
i was honestly moved to tears when i read your post.
i've heard so many things.
i'm truly sorry if i've been sucked into the vacuum space with GOSSIP at the centre of it.
believe me though,
many times i've defended you.
because i know you are only human. because i know that i could've made the same mistakes.
and because i know we are all people with the highest of critical judgments.
forgiveness is the only way to heal.
and i now ask for your forgiveness not only for me but also on behalf of the peple who talked but never considered.
they are flawed too and i love them as much as a sister in Christ should.
ai wei..
be encouraged that you are humble enough to admit your mistakes.i love you for that.continue to seek strength from God as His grace is truly sufficient.always be filled with joy and laughter too. after all,the joy of the Lord is my strength.
p.s. thank you for helping me gather the courage to plunge into the pool the other day!
you're the coolest buddy ever!
Dear Ai Wei,
I didn't know there were so much "entanglement" within u. Hope U found a healthy way of channeling it out.
The Good Lord in His wisdom allowed all things to happen for a reason. Take it to your stride and GROW STRONGER from it. Entangled The Musical was all and will be worth everything that u had poured in and it will show in due time.
May you see the bright shinning light in the end of the tunnel:)
-SOLH-
Post a Comment