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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

二十二岁的最后二小时

二十二岁的最后一晚,选择了在房里独自一个人过。

这次生日,来得格外平静。要不是几位友人提前祝贺,我还真可能会把它给忘了 。也许是心情, 也许是忙碌,也许是长大了。无论如何,少了对生日的期待,多了对岁月的情怀。

想起小时候,常担心长大后会不会出人头地,就像那首西方童谣, 'Que Sera Sera' 中的小女孩在问,Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? 歌里歌外母亲的答复,也成了小女孩的安慰和肯定:What will be, will be.

记忆中,成长过程中,也是那么好胜,那么kiasu. 凡事都要做得最好,凡事都要胜人一筹。 就连衣着, 虽提倡穿得简单,却又要在简单中找到不平凡, 然后享受人们投于羡慕眼光的那一刻。小学和中学时的各样大小成就,塑立了必要的自信,无意间也养肥了不必要的自傲。

十五岁那年,出现了信仰的邂逅,认识了基督,让我对生命的定义大大改观。同时发生的校园人事危机,更让我看清楚自己那副不可一世的丑陋模样。十八岁考中六,成绩预想不到的不理想,毁了我儿时的医生梦,前途急转弯下选择了生物系。隔年,爸爸因病呈辞,家里财务状况出现问题。

笔时,是风浪稍微平息的一年后。一年前,毕业后立刻回槟城,一是想家, 二是想为这个家尽一份力。 毕业前已决定自己的未来不属于实验室,却不知何去何从-只知道想为社会做一些事,而‘政策’这字眼一直在脑海里荡漾。偶然的机会下到民主行动党当实习生,还以为政治嘛,玩玩就算,怎知遇到的正是一位常把政策挂在嘴边的年轻政客。这样误打误撞,其中肯定有上天的安排。

风浪稍微平息的一年后, 家人关系显见的好转,恢复了教会生活,最近也完了拥有属于自己的屋子的心愿。工作上有了起色,也找到了很大的满足感。虽然会因为其政治及服务性质,难免有质疑的时候,却只有往前走, 才知道下一步要怎么抉择。感情生活零分,有点失落,却开始相信,这是用苦难包裹的祝福,因为单身,所以可以单飞。

有人说,十多岁的女生是待放的花苞,而三十岁的女人最为盛放美丽。那,二十余岁,就是在绽放中咯!二十三岁的我,还是和小时一样,不要平凡,要轰轰烈烈。一直觉得过去做得不够,要趁年轻做大事,所以会对自己有些苛求,不想自己耽误宝贵的光阴,哪怕就那一分一秒。

走下去,也许还要哼着那首'Que Sera Sera',the future is not for us to see, what will be, will be. 更重要的,是对神存一份信心,相信祂都明瞭,相信祂会赐下最好的。

12.37am 9 Nov 2010

7 comments:

SantiagoCruz said...

生日快乐!你的文章题目应该是二十二岁的最后两小时吧?凡事知足,凡事感恩。

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Happy Belated Birthday.

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