I’m writing what I’m going to write not because I am angry, resentful or frustrated. I just want to share with you how a same person can react so differently towards two incidents that are so similar, parted by the time length of 5 years.
I’m crying when I’m starting to write this.
5 years can be a long time to make a person numb to certain incidents, but it might not be long enough to make him or her forget it.
The moment when the chairman says, ‘we found these people (inclusive of me) more suitable in this position instead of that’ drew me back to the unforgettable experience that happened to me 5 years ago when a different group of people that trained me to be a leader for a whole 2 years gave me a big shock by electing me to be the secretary of the society instead. What they did after that made me even more frustrated. They had a ‘comforting’ session with me, telling me that secretary is the real hero behind the scene, the president can’t do anything without the help of a good secretary and etc, and that they find me the ONLY one that can do the job. That time what came to my mind was, ‘Cut the crap! Just tell me off that I’m not the material for leadership.’ And what I did after that was quite aggressive. I asked for a big stack of waste papers, and I tear the papers off one by one in front of them. I forgot how long I did that, but yea, that was how frustrated I was.
When I encountered the very similar incident few days ago, my reaction was very much different from mine 5 years ago. I didn’t tear off any paper. I wasn’t very affected when they announced it. I openly accepted their comments on my suitability in other position. I willingly take up the new position that they’ve offered, a place that I’ve never thought of being in before that. I can’t deny my disappointment for not being in the position that I was expecting myself to be in, after all, that’s something that seems greater in the sight of men. But I’m TRULY thankful to God for what He has given me.
I think the reason for the different in response is that I was well prepared in prayer. I’ve set my hearts right to Him. In fact, I think it’s the best time to fulfill my vow to Him, which is to serve Him in any position I’m in, under any circumstances. I said it, I mean it.
Really, I think they’ve been wise and have chosen a better candidate than me.
I’m not sure about the principles of immunology that I’ve learned in class, that one will acquired immunization after they’ve defeated a previous attack. Perhaps, why I was still ‘terasa’ a bit is because I’m yet to have fully defeated the previous attack of Satan, even though I claimed to have forgiven them. Nevertheless, the pain was so fast counteracted by the assurance of self value and future I have in Christ.
Sometime I wonder why God often not allow me to do what I want to do, at least in this particular ‘Persaudaraan’ I’ve committed myself into =) In another word, why is the passion that I believed He has put into my heart don’t seems to aligned with my capabilities or strength? But God knows what is best for us.
5 years ago, I left the society after that incident that hurt me so much. Today, there’s no way I’m going to call for a quit, because I know for sure what am I doing, and who am I doing all this for. I thank God; it is all by Him that I can make a difference this time.
In between of writing this, there were tears in my eyes, not out of sadness, but out of gratitude to Him for the miracle He has done in my life. As I’m writing in last line, my eyes are already dry; I’m all set to go the extra miles with Him.